The dose is a free newspaper here in ottawa their horoscopes are
freaking hilarious so I desided to post them
Oct 6th, 2005
Libra
Howling at cows is one of your fav habbies. That and racing turkeys
in the fields make you feel at peace with the peas
Scorpio
While designing the worlds smallest headphones, you have lost many
teeny items in your ears. Buy soem Q-tips
Sagittarius
Lying in your hammock on your tropical island, sipping a pina colada,
you might get the hiccups. Shh! Dont piss of the monkeys!
Capricorn
Instead of dissecting all of your closets, searching for the alien,
try to lure the little guy out with some homemade yogurt.
Aquarius
You might get a few odd looks today, but dont worry. You look super-swell
in your duct tape and leaf bikini. Its orginal.
Pisces
If a cat in a duct-tape and leaf-bikini runs past you and farts,
dont throw mud. Plug your nose and just keep raking your lawn.
Aries
Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a car parked in a
parking lot. You might feel like that car today. It will get better.
Taurus
Really, really good things come to those who wait. Your trying to
console your buddy, the 50 year old virgin.
Gemini
Instead of riding a hippopotamus in the parade, you have been promoted
to camel-choreographer. Its humpy business
Cancer
Avoid stapling your lips to pink envelopes today. And whatever you
do, Dont eat the cheese you find in the cupboard.
Leo
Once you tell your date that you arent in, you might get consumed
by a strong urge to eat cabbage rolls. Go for it
Virgo
Though nobady suspects you yet, you might get busted for eating all
your friends chocolate bunnies. You are quite sticky
Sept, 14th 2005
Virgo
put on your best pair of tube socks before you head to spinning class. Some cat
two bikes down is checking out your speedy pedalling.
Libra
Just because you watch Six feet under a lot doesnt mean you are qualified to embalm
your dead cat. Seek help, sicko.
Scorpio
Before you do a striptease in the middle of the bowling alley, make sure you are
doing it for the right reasons. Or you will strike out.
Sagittarius
Mixing weiners, with beans sounded like a good idea, didnt it. Until weiners turned
to mush. Spice things up with maple syrup.
Capricorn
Chewing cornors off library books and then spitting them at strangers is illicit
fun. But your mouth is dry and full of paper cuts.
Aquarius
Inside your intestine palace, you and the other parasites live on cheese and macaroni.
Escape to freedom through the dark hole.
Pisces
Once in a while I feel like zapping them. Your buddy and you are circling
Earth in your saucer. But dont zap the hu,anoids. Yet
Aries
Youve been kicking puppies and pissing on parked strollers all morning. Take a
deep breath and chill the frock out.
Taurus
Limbo dancing through life will only get you so far. Your limbo coach is giving
you advice but you are too bent to listen.
Gemini
Sitting in your closet, painted with peanut butter and whip cream stripes, you
may wonder if your surprise entry will be too messy.
Cancer
This morning you may find yourself uncontrollanly kissing the doorman at your moms
building because hes wearing blue.
Leo
Now that youve dyed your eyebrows purple and tattooed your nose pink, you really
do look special. Very special.
Sept. 21, 2005
Virgo
You have shaved happy faces in your armpit hair and you want to show the world
your joy. But not everyone wants to see it
Libra
If your pet alligator wants softer skin, you should see a vet before you start
slathering it with lotion.
Scorpio
While crouthed in a cornor of your dormitory, hugging your knees and sobbing, you
cant stop asking yourself, why did E.T pjone home.
Sagittarius
After you order your doughnuts and latte, you might get pooped on by a wild or
chased by a grizzly bear. Either way, run fast.
Capricorn
Sometimes, I even wear a thing. Your mom is telling you things you might not want
to know. Smile and nod. Zone out.
Aquarius
Its good day to walk up to your anonymous crush, throw yourself forward and smooch
your brains out. Yep. It will be hot.
Pisces
While sitting in your cage, watching the other circus animals bounce balls. try
to keep your temper in check. Dont maul your training.
Aries
While bleaching your fangs, try not to swallow too much bubbly saliva. It gives
you a tummy ache.
Taurus
After combing out your dreadlocks, you might not have much hair left on your muff.
Consider a merkin or going brazilian.
Gemini
You have been wearing glue-on toenails for years and it might be time to go au
natural, especially since you are on a deserted island.
Cancer
Tattooing your bananas and coconuts seemed like a good idea. Until you felt the
pain. Its OK to leave the lizard unfinished.
Leo
Stop stealing your grannys candles, even if you need to wax your moustache every
day. Get a job.
